April Fool

It's 3.00pm.  It 's almost the end of an absolutely beautiful weekend, which I've once again missed - sitting at my laptop, frantically trying to spew out another assignement and I've only JUST realised it's April Fool's day!  I feel quite sad that I've managed to miss another whole day, not having any idea of what's going on around me.  Last weekend was equally as beautiful and I was equally as absent from my surroundings in my efforts to finish a literature essay. 

Yep, it's the end of term.  However, learning from previous mistakes, rather than throwing my laptop out the window in frustration (not literally, just really, really wanting to) and dropping a subject or withdrawing from the course altogether out of pure irritation, I've stuck with it.  That doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing. 

On Thursday, I finished a 2,000 word literature assignment which was due on Friday; at the moment, I'm trying to finish a 2,000 word essay on media law for Thursday and at some stage I will have to complete a draft for an Australian history essay due also on Thursday.  Now, anyone who has been following my blog will probably know I'm a little highly strung, so to have all this to do and to still be able to write about it is a huge feat for me.  I don't know how I sound but I feel rather overwhelmed but determined to to do my utmost. 

Unlike previous years where I've managed to complete all the course readings and allow myself two weeks for essays, this time round, I'm behind in most of the readings and am stuggling to keep my head above water.  But I have a new outlook - I think I had an anxiety attack last week and felt as if I couldn't breath.  That was an eye opener for me and I've come to the conclusion that if I try my best and don't do as well as I usually do, so be it.  As a friend recently told me (Nicki from Diaries fo a neurotoc non-trad) after my meltdown over Summer semester exams (for which, by the way, I received a Distinction and a High Distinction!), 'acknowledge your worry, wrap it up and send it out into the universe' -  or words to that effect.  Anyway, it's my new motto - yes, I'm extremely busy; yes, I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed but it's almost Easter and I get a week's break and next term, all this stress will be forgotten as I make way for some new ones!

Think I'll take the dog for a walk and enjoy what's left of April Fool's day.

The week that was

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After my near nervous breakdown last week, I have finally come back to my senses.  I refuse to quit uni just because I've had a stressful week and I realise there are more important things to be worrying about.

My last exam on Friday night went better than the one on Wednesday - I still think I could've done better but because it was a literature subject I felt a lot more at ease.  And the thing that got me through was thinking about my family waiting at home for me.  Yes, I whinge about the work they seem to create for me sometimes but I've realised it's me creating work for me!  I'm so grateful they are all healthy and happy and I know I have their support even though at times it's hard to see! 

I need to take a step back and think about what's more important - a clean house or my sanity?  It's time for me to stop being a control freak and to let a few things go.  SH No. 1 and I have decided to join Friday night Yoga Club at our local hall and to indulge in regular 2 monthly massages to try and ease the stress of our busy lives.  Today we spent the first Sunday in I don't know how long, lounging around in our pj's, reading the paper and doing nothing - I already feel re-charged after my week from hell.

Summer semester is no more - time to begin Semester 1, 2012!

What should I do?

This is how I feel!

I'm 99.9% sure I failed my Gender exam last night.  I spent the whole day before studying and the whole day of the exam trying to be calm and not worry.  However, as is usual of my uni life over the last 3 years, there's always something that gets thrown at me just when I have something important to do and it invariably involves my family. 

While waiting for my exam to start I thought I'd check my emails and to my absolute shock and horror, I received a destressing email from No. 1 son's high school teacher, expressing his disappointment in my son.  I won't go into the details but when I read the words 'arrogant' and 'disrespectful', the first thing I thought was, he must be thinking of another boy!  Yes, he can be tardy and slack but two things my son is not are arrogant and disrespectful.  After alerting SH No. 1 and organising a meeting with said teacher, I rang home to make sure they'd all arrived safe and sound from school. Of course, my son knew about the email, the teacher had told him, and knowing I had an exam about to start he didn't want to mention it either.  However, he soon broke into tears and he's just as perplexed as we are.

Anyway, needless to say, I didn't enter the exam in the right frame of mind, which froze the minute I was handed the paper and instead of writing 2000 words, I eventually wrote 1000 words of the biggest load of dribble I think the tutor has ever had the misfortune to read.  I'm embarrassed and what's worse is that I have another one tomorrow!  I'm finding it harder and harder to be there for my family and keep up with uni.  My family always takes precedent and the worries that come with having three children are exhausting!  I'm essentially doing 5 subjects at the moment and my reasons for doing a degree are becoming more and more muddy and unclear.  I feel as if I'm wasting time and money but what sort of an example would I be to my children if I quit? 

This morning after having another argument with AD No. 1, trying to find my son's lost sports shorts, screaming at TD No. 2 to clean the bathroom, trying to prepare for today's class and tomorrow's exam, I now have knots in my stomach.  I've been crying all morning wondering what the hell I'm doing all this for.  Not good preparation for my other exam tomorrow night!  I've been thinking about just packing it all in and going back to work.  Like the mouse on the wheel, I feel as if I'm getting nowhere.

Yikes

Well, you'll all be pleased to know I didn't pull any eyes out of sockets or hair out of scalps.  Instead I've been panicking about starting back at uni tomorrow.  I can't believe it. While I've been slaving away with summer semester, it does feel as if I haven't really left but I'm so nervous about walking back into that lecture hall. 

I feel as I did two and a half years ago when I did it for the very first time.  I'm filled with all the usual self-doubt - what if I can't find the room?  What if I get there and I'm not on the roll?  What if I don't understand the subject?  It's Desktop Publishing and I'm scaring myself stiff with imagining stupid things like not knowing how to turn the computer on; not understanding the terminology and yes, being the oldest in the class (that's a given - I usually am!).  But more importantly, what am I going to wear?  And far from being my usually organised self, I only today got my diary and lecture pad, having spent the last week frantically trying to finish another assignment for my summer class.

As I'm writing this I'm being looked at by the Dalai Lama, sitting above my laptop.  Underneath his picture I've written four of the basic 'rules' of Buddhism - Do what is good; Avoid what is evil (does that include wanting to rip into my daughters like a crazy cat?); Practice so that the mind is clear; and Karma.  At the moment, clearing my mind seems to be the only thing to do - breeaaaath...

Aaahhh... that's good.  Now it's back to this bloody assignment.

Mean girls

You know, sometimes I absolutely love having daughters.  Growing up in a household with three brothers, I yearned for a sister and swore I would have two little girls when I had babies.  As it turned out I did have two little girls, 21 months apart and it was heaven (well not all the time but most of the time).  Now that they're older, sometimes I feel so connected to them - like they're my best friends in the whole wide world.  And other times...I feel as if I could pull their hair out and scratch out their eyes, they're so mean to me!! Obviously when I'm feeling like that I walk away and count to ten, as my dear, sweet Nana used to tell me.

1...2...3...4...

Honkers

I have a horn and I'm not afraid to use it

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm a honker.  While I consider myself to be a very considerate driver, if you break the rules and cause harm to everyone else, I'll give you a honk!

The school drop off is the worst.  Parking on the very corner of the street, blocking all other traffic because you can't be bothered parking further away and your kid might get wet, entitles me to give you a honk.  Get him/her an umbrella!

Walking in the middle of the road because you don't want to get your tootsies wet on the footpath, warrants a honk - yes, lady, you're right, I am a bitch, so watch out.  It's been raining for three days solid, wear some boots! 

Sitting in the school two minute zone for TEN minutes, waiting for your kid who isn't there, stopping all other incoming traffic, justifies a honk - what, you think you're more important than everyone else?  Do the block.

Yes, I'm honkers and as long as people continue to be inconsiderate on the roads, I will continue to be.  HONK, HONK!

Slavery

Having scrubbed the house from top to bottom this morning, I am absolutely exhausted and utterly over being a 'domestic goddess'.  My hands smell of bleach and any thoughts I had earlier about getting it all done and then sitting in front of my books have gone out the window - my motivation is zero. 

I've been doing house work for almost twenty years and I don't want to do it any more!  I'm the only one home during the day, so it feels as if it's my 'job' but I really want to hand in my resignation.   The house is an all-consuming, devouring monster ready to chew me up and spit me out every other day of the week.  I got a housekeeper once about six years ago when I was working part-time and she lasted about a month - the guilt got me in the end.  I couldn't stand the thought of someone else cleaning my house when I knew I was perfectly capable of doing it myself.

What's the answer?  I wish I knew.  My little game of tough love hasn't really sunk in as yet.  I've removed and replaced the light bulbs so many times, I've realised I'm the only one suffering for that!  I've got a big box full of dvds, umbrellas, a dirty towel, an ipod charger and hair bands sitting in my walk-in robe and no-one's really missed them as yet.  I did have success with a pair of shoes I found sitting on the lounge for a couple of days.  After the owner spent the whole morning walking up and down the house screaming that she couldn't find her shoes, she went out in an old pair.  I casually put them in her room where they belong and that's where they've stayed ever since.

What's really scary is that this is what my life has become - thinking of new ways to teach everyone to pick up and moaning about having to do the bloody housework!