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| This is how I feel! |
I'm 99.9% sure I failed my Gender exam last night. I spent the whole day before studying and the whole day of the exam trying to be calm and not worry. However, as is usual of my uni life over the last 3 years, there's always something that gets thrown at me just when I have something important to do and it invariably involves my family.
While waiting for my exam to start I thought I'd check my emails and to my absolute shock and horror, I received a destressing email from No. 1 son's high school teacher, expressing his disappointment in my son. I won't go into the details but when I read the words 'arrogant' and 'disrespectful', the first thing I thought was, he must be thinking of another boy! Yes, he can be tardy and slack but two things my son is not are arrogant and disrespectful. After alerting SH No. 1 and organising a meeting with said teacher, I rang home to make sure they'd all arrived safe and sound from school. Of course, my son knew about the email, the teacher had told him, and knowing I had an exam about to start he didn't want to mention it either. However, he soon broke into tears and he's just as perplexed as we are.
Anyway, needless to say, I didn't enter the exam in the right frame of mind, which froze the minute I was handed the paper and instead of writing 2000 words, I eventually wrote 1000 words of the biggest load of dribble I think the tutor has ever had the misfortune to read. I'm embarrassed and what's worse is that I have another one tomorrow! I'm finding it harder and harder to be there for my family and keep up with uni. My family always takes precedent and the worries that come with having three children are exhausting! I'm essentially doing 5 subjects at the moment and my reasons for doing a degree are becoming more and more muddy and unclear. I feel as if I'm wasting time and money but what sort of an example would I be to my children if I quit?
This morning after having another argument with AD No. 1, trying to find my son's lost sports shorts, screaming at TD No. 2 to clean the bathroom, trying to prepare for today's class and tomorrow's exam, I now have knots in my stomach. I've been crying all morning wondering what the hell I'm doing all this for. Not good preparation for my other exam tomorrow night! I've been thinking about just packing it all in and going back to work. Like the mouse on the wheel, I feel as if I'm getting nowhere.
Oh goodness! Poor you.Firstly I would say don't do anything rash. We all have these moments/times when we juggling family life and study is an absolute nightmare. Giving up though would make you really unhappy and possibly make you resent your family in some ways.Exams can always be resat and I think a chat with your tutor is a good idea. Also, how about a family conference? Sit everyone down and explain how hard you are finding things.They need your support, but right now you need theirs too. Why should you be the one who does everything, holds it all together? You have the right to complete this study and they will be so proud of you when you do.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this Caz. You need to do this for you and your future.Find a way, talk to people. I am sending you an enormous cuddle and if I could send a bloody great glass of vino I would too!!
Take care and let us know how it goes. Good luck with your exams and don't give up. You will find a way! Sarah
xxx
Thankyou so much, Sarah! You are so right, I can do this and I need to do this for me! I let things get on top of me sometimes. I wish we could sit down together and have a glass or two of vino! Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me. xxx
DeleteI agree with Sarah, it is not your responsibility to keep every ball up in the air. Tell your family it is their responsibility to help and support you. And learn to ignore outside distractions. That teacher could have waited for a day or two, there is not need to react to immediately and sometimes it is better to ponder what to do for a few days and get more background on what is going on.
ReplyDeleteConcentrate on yourself and your needs, the bathroom and shoes can wait and if your son looses his shoes he can either find them himself or do without. A little more selfishness would make your life a lot easier, believe me.
Thanks, Petra. Being a mum for 18 years has made me into a bit of a control freak who always feels responsible for everyone and everything. I intend to be a little more selfish and let the unnecessary things go(housework, lost sports shorts!). Cheers.
ReplyDelete