Friday, May 14, 2010

Under pressure

Well, the house looks like a bomb's hit it.  I don't mean that metaphorically - I mean, it literally looks like a bomb's hit it.  There are clothes everywhere, dirty dishes fill the sink, last night's frying pan is still sitting on the stove top and the beds are unmade.  As I'm writing this, it's even making me feel sick!  But hey, at least my latest assignment's done and dusted.

After receiving a lower than usual result on my film assignment last week, I was ready to toss it all in.  Yes, I passed but my marks weren't up there like they usually are (at least they were last year!).  But alas, after a couple of hours and a few wines, I apologised to myself and realised that no, I am not perfect and no, I don't have to be.  I have three children who, apart from taking up a lot of my mental energies (at least, lately), also love me for my imperfections.

So, I put thoughts of being a quitter aside to concentrate on my writing assignment.  I did the research, planned the essay, did the draft, went to the lecture yesterday and was all wrong, didn't make sense and didn't fit the criteria.  So I  left the lecture, ditched the tute, raced home and just about had a full on anxiety attack.  Thoughts of failure filled my head; I couldn't breathe, but worst of all...I couldn't think!!!  I couldn't think of a single thing to write.  I picked the kids up and tried not to think about the fact that it was due tomorrow (today).  I put a smile on my face as I asked them all about their day and then didn't hear a single word they said as I dwelled on the bloody essay!!  We came home and I told them all to just pretend I wasn't here as I shut my study door and sat in front of the computer.  One at a time they all came in with various important issues to which I had to attend - 'What's for dinner?'; 'Did you wash my uniform for tomorrow?', 'How much is 100g?'.  Finally, I told them that unless there was a fire or someone was being murdered - JUST PRETEND I'M NOT HERE!!!!!!

I sat in front of the computer and my mind was literally ablank.  My brain was giving me nothing - nada, zilch.  My husband came home and tried to give me some advice (an engineer, giving me writing advice on an academic analysis).  Then after about an hour, I don't know what happened - maybe I just calmed down - all of a sudden my fingers were frantically typing away.  Thoughts of failure, quitting and curling up under the doona vanished.  Everything became clearer and I don't know how, but I did it!!!!!  And I didn't have to stay up all night.  I got it all done by 11.00pm.

After a few minor edits this morning, I've just come back from handing it in.  And you know what?  I feel so proud of myself.  I'm glad I kept going.  Maybe I won't get the mark I want but I gave it all I have, I worked really hard and I did it.  Having said that, I have two more before the end of semester but for now I'm just going to chill - inside this bomb disposal of a house of mine!!!

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